Any movie that pushes 3 hrs and contains enough subtle references to fill a book probably deserves a second watch before being subjected to critical review. But after spending $16 (ticket), $5 (parking) and an hour in line with high school children, I simply can’t handle the thought of an encore. Forgive me if memory doesn’t serve. I should also point out that I only recently read the book for the first time back in February. But while I may not have the geek stature to preach about this story like a disgruntled 40 year old overweight Comic Con veteran, if nothing else I have objectivity.
The oversimplified review: Most of the first 90 minutes is both polished and brilliant; the remainder is a sloppy, awkward mess.
Things I liked:
Dr. Manhattan, although possessing anything but a “godly” voice, was pretty fucking awesome. Yay for 21st Century special effects!
Rorschach. Jackie Earle Haley (who?) did a fantastic job with possibly the most complicated character ever on caught film. The only drawback to this otherwise superb performance was shitty editing (discussed later).
Malin Akerman naked.
Getting rid of the interdimensional squid. And having the balls to blatantly reference it in the detonation sequence.
The opening credits / historical montage. Stroke of genius and very well played.
Jeffrey Dean Morgan also did a great job with The Comedian. Another complex character handled with relative ease by an (apparently) underrated actor.
The unapologetic violence.
Saving the “tangentially related at best unless you are a huge douche that reads way too far into things” pirate substory for another day.
Things that sucked:
Zach Snyder’s *cough* “trademark” *cough* fight mechanics. There are three reasons for this. First, it induces headaches. Second, it is borderline cheesy. Third, it has no place whatsoever in this film. This is not The Matrix. Speaking of which…
The stunning aptitude with which these aging, retired non-superheroes kicked ass. At their peak, I doubt they made taking out a group of thugs look so easy. Shit, I’ve seen Batman have more problems with Gotham’s punks than the flabby old Nite Owl.
The gross overuse of cheesedick 80’s music. Seriously, whoever cued the porn music when Rorschach left Dreiberg’s hideout needs to be fired.
Malin Akerman acting talking.
No psychiatrist mindfucking. The Rorschach in jail chapter might be the best of the whole book. Really shouldn’t fuck with it.
For being the world’s most successful man, Adrian Veidt can’t enunciate to save his fucking life. Jesus, pull the dick out of your mouth when you talk. And he’s way too young. He would have to be at least 45 by now.
Richard Nixon. Worst ever.
The gratuitous violence. Don’t know the difference between unapologetic and gratuituous?
unapologetic = Rorschach going mental with a butcher knife
gratuitous = Laurie Jupiter breaking and stabbing necks, Lee Iaccoca getting shot between the eyes (wtf?)
No city gone mad = no understanding of the social experiment. No diner, no lesbian taxi drivers, no news stand guy, and fucking hell how do you cut out the murder of Nite Owl I? Travesty.
Changing the ending in an effort to spare the world from the silliest crackpot scheme ever devised, only to bumble around mindlessly like a teenager on a bra strap. Did any thought whatsoever go into reworking the story? Did the studio even hire “writers,” or did Zach Snyder just try splice shit together at the last minute to save some cash? Nobody expected the movie to be as good as the book in any way, shape, or form. But when presented with the golden opportunity to modify the indisputable achille’s heel of the story, this is how you jerkoffs respond? I think more time went into shaping Dr. Manhattan’s penis than pulling the last hour together in a coherent, engaging sequence of events. I will, however, give props for axing those ridiculous snow scooters (I won’t, however, give props for the all-time worst estimation of distance one must hike through snow to get to the evil lair. That shit crash landed… what – 20 yards from the base? Ooooooh, better bundle up Rorschach!).
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Rating: A great book + an admirable attempt at filming a difficult, fragmented story => unfortunately could not overcome the sloppiness of the final hour and some of the subtle, yet important nuances of the story left on the cutting room floor. See it, but you’re safe waiting for the Blu-ray disc. Head to the library if you want the full effect.
