Chinese Space Probe Successfully Impacts Moon’s Surface
When referring to a multi-million dollar (yuan) piece of equipment, the words “successfully” and “impacts” are generally not seen adjacent to each other in a sentence unless you’re talking missile defense. You don’t need to be a rocket scientist (yuk, yuk) to realize that this “monumental occasion” is nothing short of pathetic.
There are two possible situations playing out here:
1. China blows. America safely landed (and returned) three astronauts on the moon in 1969. That was 40 fucking years ago. MS-DOS wasn’t even out yet. I realize we all need to start somewhere (U.S. and U.S.S.R. combined for about a half-dozen hard landings in the ’60’s), but come on, China, fucking grow a pair. Stated objectives for the “Chang’e 1″ hard landing:
(a) Drawing “pictures” of the Moon and obtaining three-dimensional images of the lunar surface;
(b) Probing useful elements on the Moon surface and analyzing the elements and materials;
(c) Probing the features of lunar soil and evaluating its depth;
(d) Probing the space environment between 40,000 km and 400,000 km from the Earth, recording data on the primitive solar wind and studying the impact of solar activity on the Earth and the Moon.
Ok. I’m going to let China in on a little secret. Step 1: disable firewall. Step 2: Google “moon wiki”. Voila. I just saved you at least 90 billion tons worth of rice income from next year’s GDP.
2. The Chinese were so fucking embarrased that their piece of space junk (made in Taiwan, no doubt) crashed and burned, that they concocted this elaborate story to cover their asses. Don’t believe me? Did you see the paperwork China submitted to the IOC to verify the ages of their “women’s” gymnastics team? If you think that China launched this mission without an “oh shit damage control karate dragon plan” already in place, you’re crazy.
Whatever the reason may be, it’s the same reason why China is blackballed from the ISS (International Space Station). One more tip and then I’ll leave China to read about this wonderful breakthough of modern science that we call “gravity.” When the time comes for you to formally reapply for ISS consideration, make sure you’re prepared for the following question: “Your agency navigates space probes (better/worse) than your women drive cars.”
Oh, and nice CG fireworks, dickheads.
