My balls are swollen, y tu?

I never claimed to be a prognosticator.  In fact, against the spread I’m a miserable 10 games under .500 in a NFL season that’s only 4 weeks in.  And as you can see from the below post, my MLB LDS predictions are already coming apart at the seams.  I guess that’s part of the beauty of sports – baseball in particular – you never truly know who’s going to win.  So much luck, so much error, so many inches in a game of the same. Why we try to guess is probably just to have something to write, argue about.  And I guess it’s fun, just not when you’re wrong.

On a personal note, I’d like to let the Baseball Gods know that I have paid whatever penance I owed and then some.  I’m officially out $250 bones and over 8 heartbreaking hours of life I’ll never get back.  I’ve endured indescribable torment from many of the country’s most undesirable denizens and done it all with the fucking swine flu.  So here’s the deal: give the Cardinals Game 3, let them earn Game 4, and if – oh dear God if – this miserable series comes back this cesspool of human existence, give them Game 5.  In other words, if the Cardinals are going to lose this series, let them do it at home in Game 4.  I don’t think that’s too much to ask. I can’t handle the thought of a sweep and I sure as shit can’t imagine suffering through losing Game 5.

Ok, good.  Now that me and the Gods are on the same page, let’s discuss some things.

1. Dodgers fans are the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet.  This is not disputable.  Sure, their average is brought down by legions of illiterate, ex-convict immigrants.  But considering that demographic makes up roughly 75% of the stadium attendance on any given night, I’d say it’s representative.

2. This lesson is for you, Senor Mexican Midget #1 sitting behind my right shoulder in Game 1. Funny: Jesus’ dad was Chris Carpenter.  Not funny: Jesus was a better Carpenter.  Your version – which you loved enough to yell no less than 20 times in 5 innings – is not funny for several reasons, the primary one being that it makes no sense.  Jesus, or “hey-zues” as you’d say, was not a carpenter.  I’m guessing that a lifetime of making fish out of goddamn rocks and curing blindness doesn’t leave one with much time to man a belt sander.  Haven’t you ever seen Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade?  Or maybe the shitty Telemundo version your familia bootlegged in Tijuana just had bad translation.  In any event, I’m sure heyzues would be thrilled to know that he got nailed to a fucking cross so you could vote “Yes” on Prop 8 on his behalf whilst confusing him with his boring father who apparently had ED since his wife was still a “virgin” when God knocked her up.

3. Dear Senor Mexican Midget #2: Rafael Furcal did not hit for a .667 average this season.  I know that’s what the scoreboard said in the 5th inning on Wednesday, but trust me, he didn’t.  Moving on.

4. I actually met and sat next to a KMOX couple last night.  What’s that?  Well, I’ve always heard that Cardinals Nation is so big and widespread due to KMOX’s broadcast reach, but I’ve never actually met anyone to verify said theory.  Sure enough, this lifelong SoCal couple had no ties to any State East of Arizona but have been cheering on the Redbirds for over 25 years.

5. Can someone please give Adam Wainwright a hug?  Poor guy gets screwed out of 20 Wins by a shitty bullpen, then earns a No Decision last night thanks to events that will not be repeated in detail on this blog.  Maybe a Cy Young award will make him feel better? Meh. I’d rather have another ring.

6. Going to away games by yourself is a questionable if not dangerous proposition in Los Angeles. But I noticed that anytime I was in conversation distance to a Dodger fan, nobody talked shit.  Moral of the story: if you are in this predicament and your team loses, find the most reasonable “fan of the game” type Dodger fan (any white male over 35 should do) and attempt to converse with him all the way to your car.  You may feel a little dirty afterward, but you probably just saved yourself from a knife fight for which you brought no knife.  If, however, you are in this predicament and your team wins, run up and down the mother fucking parking lot waving your hat while screaming “Pujols is God!” until the bitch empties out.  You still might get stabbed, but the torment of thousands of dejected assholes is worth the risk.

7. Can we get instant replay in baseball please?  Game 1 = Cardinals win if Ludwick’s bases clearing double is ruled (correctly) fair.

8. The Dodgers pitching sucks and the Cardinals are getting on base.  PLATE SOME GODDAMN RUNS!!!

9. (impromptu) I just got an email from dodgers.com saying NLCS tix go on sale at 1pm today.  I don’t know why my spam filter didn’t catch that.

10. Cardinals marketing needs to reevaluate it’s forays into new media.  Case in point (click to enlarge):

Back to my hole in the ground.

-LB

The sweet smell of October

Ladies and gentlemen, the MLB postseason is finally upon us.  Dust off those jackets and get ready for the big show.  2009 contains the usual cast of characters – Yankees, Red Sox, Angels, Cardinals, Dodgers – hell, even the Rockies and Phillies are becoming mainstays in the playoffs.  And once again, we pay our (dis)respects to the Chicago Scrubs, who are spending the Fall eating sausages on the couch.  This is how it’s supposed to be.  Sub Rockies for Braves and you pretty much have the prototypical MLB postseason.  So how will this year play out?  Glad you asked.

League Division Series

Yankees v. Twins/Tigers

This is going to be a joke of a series.  Even if the Yankees get lousy pitching, they’ll still outscore the TBD AL Central champ in droves.  Yes, we’ve all seen them blow it in October against inferior teams slash teams with a 0-3 deficit *cough* but something feels different about them this year.  Dare I say that they are almost under the radar?  I don’t’ know how that could be possible in New York, but it’s almost as if people still think they are a team with major holes even though they put up 103 wins.  To me, they are the clear favorites and should plow through the AL.  Yankees in 4.

Angels v. Red Sox

Probably the most interesting match-up.  If you believe in regular season stats, this series should be a grinder destined for Game 5.  Evenly matched on paper, this should be a marathon – a waiting game to see which team’s 7th & 8th inning pitchers get sloppy.  But I for one don’t believe in regular season stats foretelling postseason performance.  The fact is Boston has better hitters, base runners, starters, and relievers.  And as much as I’d like to see Anaheim host the World Series this year, I think they get swept right out of the NLDS.  Red Sox in 3.

Phillies v. Rockies

The Rockies have an annoying habit of overachieving in the playoffs, but I think that trend ends now.  Much like another NL playoff team that will remain nameless, the Rockies are terrible against LHP.  Like, damn near worst in the NL.  So long as the Phillies pitchers can find the strike zone, it will be a short lived postseason for Colorado.   The Phillies lineup (which I believe to be tremendously overrated) doesn’t really even need to perform all that well.  A few runs each game against a very questionable Rockies pitching staff should be more than enough.  Phillies in 4.

Dodgers v. Cardinals

I just have a few brief things to say about this series.  First, the Cardinals own the Dodgers (and the entire NL West).  Second, you’ve got to be kidding if you think this series is coming back to St. Louis with the Cardinals any less than 2 games up.  Third, Tony La Russa would love nothing more than to shove a big one up Joe Torre’s ass to prove that he is the best crotchety old Italian baseball manager of all time.  There can be only one.  Lastly, I will be at Games 1 & 2 and will seriously get Tanya Harding on somebody if I need to.  And I can’t really afford the Game 5 tickets I bought, so I’m really hoping it doesn’t come down to that.  Cardinals in 4.

____

LCS picks to follow.

-LB

Cleaning up a fat kid’s mess

Counterpoint fail

Captain Completely Worthless By September sent this in.  Ownage is in red.

I was enjoying my little vacay from LB

But you ignorant Cubs fans just had to antagonize me.  Please just quietly disappear like your team’s playoff hopes.  Thanks.

Click me (read it and weep, bitches).

Hugs.

Well, slap my ass and call me a bitch.

Today I received this absolutely glorious email from Robert Half Legal.  You know, the attorney placement agency that specializes in well-educated slave labor?  Yeah, well this may set a new standard.  Please keep in mind that although not everyone in the RHL database is a licensed attorney with $75,000+ in student loan debt, most are.

PS. Contact information retained just in case anyone out there either (a) wants to fuck with this dumb whore, or (b) is actually that pathetic.

_________

Dear Anthony,

We know that you are diligently looking for your next job opportunity and we want to be the best resource for you. However, we are all experiencing the effects of the economy. Many clients are unable to afford the rates they have paid in the past. In order to meet their new budget restrictions, we’re looking for temporary candidates that are willing to work support positions at a lower pay rate.

In an effort to help you find employment, please let us know if you are available for general data entry positions paying between $9 and $10 per hour for temporary opportunities. If you are not open to the above mentioned pay range, please let us know what pay range you are open to working for.

We look forward to hearing from you!

Best,

Sarah Starkey, Esq.

Robert Half Legal

310-209-6829

Joe no, he di’int! (part 2)

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/05/27/biden-teases-obama-teleprompter-addiction/

LB Cardinals Report 4/21-5/20

It’s been tough writing about the Redbirds lately given the craptastic May they’ve been having.  I’ll gladly chalk some of that up to injuries (Ludwick, Carpenter, Ankiel) and other “issues” (Wainwright’s mechanics and wtf is wrong with Khalil Greene?), but make no bones about it, the Cardinals are having some problems worth noting.

Problems like:

1. Todd “Meatballs” Wellemeyer (allowed 30 runs in 46 innings pitched, rarely makes it past the 6th)

2. Kyle “Oh Noes!” Lohse (0-3, 4+ERA, and hasn’t made it past the 6th in his last 3 starts)

3. Joe “Going Back to AAA” Thurston (batting .178 in May)

4. Chris “I can’t hit lefties to save my life” Duncan (batting .211 with 13 K’s in May)

and even…

5. Albert Pujols (9 RBI’s, 7 BB’s, and 5 K’s thus far in May) – ok, not really a “slump” by human standards, but he’s left a lot of people on base this month.

So what does this all mean?  It means losing 2 of 2 vs. Philly, 2 of 3 vs. Cincinnatti, 2 of 2 vs. Pittsburgh, and getting swept by the Brewers.  That’s what.

But there’s a glimmer of hope.  As I write this, the Cardinals are taking BP for the 3rd of 3 vs. the Cubs.  And yes, the brooms are out.  Even more importantly, last night Chris Carpenter pitched an absolute gem in his first live action since the ol’ rib strain.  And this may be wishful thinking, but Pineiro’s CG SHO on Tuesday seems to have provided something of a kick to the nuts that this ball club has desparately needed of late.  Of course it doesn’t hurt when the team you’re playing against blows throw AB’s like a $2 hooker on coke, but hey it’s the Cubs, I expect nothing less.

What the Cardinals need right now: Ludwick and/or Glaus to get back in that lineup and Wellemeyer to stop giving away every 5th game.  We are too damn susceptible to left-handers right now and our power is anemic.  Surprisingly, teams have still been brining it to Albert even though it’s fairly safe to pitch around him without those extra bats in the lineup.  I can’t imagine that pissing contest will continue much longer, however.  Pujols don’t stay cold for long.

LB

From the “I wish I was making this up” files

Local SoCal area sporting goods retailer “Chick’s” has been taken over by competing sporting goods retailer “Dick’s.”

Yeah, I’m not bull shitting you. What we are witnessing here is the M&A equivalent of a sex change operation. I’m just glad it’s not the other way around. It would be pretty fucking embarrassing for mankind if Chick’s took over Dick’s.

I for one would have preferred to see a straight-up merger. “Chick’s with Dick’s” would be the greatest store name ever.

Welcome back to St. Louis, douchebags