Well, slap my ass and call me a bitch.

Today I received this absolutely glorious email from Robert Half Legal.  You know, the attorney placement agency that specializes in well-educated slave labor?  Yeah, well this may set a new standard.  Please keep in mind that although not everyone in the RHL database is a licensed attorney with $75,000+ in student loan debt, most are.

PS. Contact information retained just in case anyone out there either (a) wants to fuck with this dumb whore, or (b) is actually that pathetic.

_________

Dear Anthony,

We know that you are diligently looking for your next job opportunity and we want to be the best resource for you. However, we are all experiencing the effects of the economy. Many clients are unable to afford the rates they have paid in the past. In order to meet their new budget restrictions, we’re looking for temporary candidates that are willing to work support positions at a lower pay rate.

In an effort to help you find employment, please let us know if you are available for general data entry positions paying between $9 and $10 per hour for temporary opportunities. If you are not open to the above mentioned pay range, please let us know what pay range you are open to working for.

We look forward to hearing from you!

Best,

Sarah Starkey, Esq.

Robert Half Legal

310-209-6829

Joe no, he di’int! (part 2)

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/05/27/biden-teases-obama-teleprompter-addiction/

LB Cardinals Report 4/21-5/20

It’s been tough writing about the Redbirds lately given the craptastic May they’ve been having.  I’ll gladly chalk some of that up to injuries (Ludwick, Carpenter, Ankiel) and other “issues” (Wainwright’s mechanics and wtf is wrong with Khalil Greene?), but make no bones about it, the Cardinals are having some problems worth noting.

Problems like:

1. Todd “Meatballs” Wellemeyer (allowed 30 runs in 46 innings pitched, rarely makes it past the 6th)

2. Kyle “Oh Noes!” Lohse (0-3, 4+ERA, and hasn’t made it past the 6th in his last 3 starts)

3. Joe “Going Back to AAA” Thurston (batting .178 in May)

4. Chris “I can’t hit lefties to save my life” Duncan (batting .211 with 13 K’s in May)

and even…

5. Albert Pujols (9 RBI’s, 7 BB’s, and 5 K’s thus far in May) – ok, not really a “slump” by human standards, but he’s left a lot of people on base this month.

So what does this all mean?  It means losing 2 of 2 vs. Philly, 2 of 3 vs. Cincinnatti, 2 of 2 vs. Pittsburgh, and getting swept by the Brewers.  That’s what.

But there’s a glimmer of hope.  As I write this, the Cardinals are taking BP for the 3rd of 3 vs. the Cubs.  And yes, the brooms are out.  Even more importantly, last night Chris Carpenter pitched an absolute gem in his first live action since the ol’ rib strain.  And this may be wishful thinking, but Pineiro’s CG SHO on Tuesday seems to have provided something of a kick to the nuts that this ball club has desparately needed of late.  Of course it doesn’t hurt when the team you’re playing against blows throw AB’s like a $2 hooker on coke, but hey it’s the Cubs, I expect nothing less.

What the Cardinals need right now: Ludwick and/or Glaus to get back in that lineup and Wellemeyer to stop giving away every 5th game.  We are too damn susceptible to left-handers right now and our power is anemic.  Surprisingly, teams have still been brining it to Albert even though it’s fairly safe to pitch around him without those extra bats in the lineup.  I can’t imagine that pissing contest will continue much longer, however.  Pujols don’t stay cold for long.

LB

From the “I wish I was making this up” files

Local SoCal area sporting goods retailer “Chick’s” has been taken over by competing sporting goods retailer “Dick’s.”

Yeah, I’m not bull shitting you. What we are witnessing here is the M&A equivalent of a sex change operation. I’m just glad it’s not the other way around. It would be pretty fucking embarrassing for mankind if Chick’s took over Dick’s.

I for one would have preferred to see a straight-up merger. “Chick’s with Dick’s” would be the greatest store name ever.

Welcome back to St. Louis, douchebags

LB Cardinals Report 4/6-4/20

Yes, that’s right.  Welcome to the first edition of the LB Cardinals Report (biweekly).  In this edition I’ll break down the early 2009 performance of the key players as well as make a few other observations.

2009 Key Players (healthy as of 04/06)

1. Albert “The Machine” Pujols

One sentence sums this man up: if he stays healthy, he will win his 3rd NL MVP in 5 seasons (and in all honesty, it should be his 5th in 6 seasons – see 2004, 2006).  Unfortunately, the Redbirds live and die by The Machine; if he misses more than 30 games this year, it’s probably lights out for the club.

2. Chris Carpenter

After his dominating 1-hitter against the Pirates, Carp quickly became my choice for NL Cy Young.  The scary part was that he pitched a far from perfect game (1/3 of his pitches were balls) yet still managed to make batter after batter look foolish at the plate.  Unfortunately, he’s hurt again (oblique) and will be out 4-8 weeks.  Awesome.

3. Adam Wainwright

Wainwright is now 2-0 with 17 K’s and a respectable 3.31 ERA.  He’s also walked more batters than the rest of the Cardinals’ rotation combined.  It’s cool though.  His control will come back and his “stuff” ain’t going anywhere.  He’s a legitimate #2 on any team.  15 game winner this year, count it.

4. #3-4-5 (Lohse-Wellemeyer-Pineiro)

I definitely like what I see so far.  How quickly I forget that Lohse won 15 games last year.  But the Cardinals really only need about 37 wins total from these guys, and so far so good.  Just throw strikes, don’t hang anything up in the zone, and let Mr. Pujols do the rest.

5. The Bullpen

If there was ever a wrist-slitting disaster waiting to happen, it’s the Cardinals’ bullpen.  Most baseball fans remember the joke that was our 9th inning pitching in 2008.  But what most people probably don’t realize is that Cardinals “closers” (turd sandwiches) blew a whopping 31 saves last year and racked up 31 losses to go right along with ‘em.  The Cardinals subsequently missed the playoffs by only 4 games in 2008.  Four.  Even more amazing is the fact that the middle releif and setup that year was stellar.  League leading, in fact.  So what’s worse than blowing 31 games with shitty closers?  Having the same shitty closers but letting them crap all over the 7th and 8th innings too.  When I go to sleep at night, I have nightmares about pitch counts in the 90’s.  It’s like watching Lindsay Lohan on her 27th day in rehab.

6. Ryan Ludwick

I’ll admit it: I feared that Ludwick was a one-season wonder.  But after only 10 games, he’s batting .405 with 15 RBI’s.  I’m convinced.  If Pujols doesn’t win MVP this year, it may be due to vote splitting with Ludwick (a la 2004).

[random note]

I just watched a Sportscenter highlight of a high school kid (lefty, low 90’s) pitch his 4th straight no-hitter.  And in other news, I’m his agent.

[end random note]

7. 3B

Does La Russa miss having a 30-100 (HR-RBI) bat in the lineup?  Obviously.  Does he miss having a fairly dependable glove and strong arm at 3B?  Obviously.  Has Troy Glaus’ major rehab stint seemed to affect the 2009 Cardinals thus far?  Eh…  Let me just put it this way: when I heard that the Cardinals traded Brian Barton for some iffy middle releiver last night, I almost shit a brick.  Frantically, I logged on to the internets to find that it was true.  It wasn’t until maybe 10 minutes later that I realized I had been confusing Brian Barton (the thusfar disappointing AAA prospect) with Brian Barden (the young infielder having an outstanding 2009).  Realizing my mistake, the turtle head receded and breathing returned to normal.  You see, Brian Barden can stay at 3B all damn season as far as I’m concerned.  Or until he starts to tank and Glaus is healthy.  Whatever works.

8. Chris Duncan

It’s been said by countless announcers during nearly every broadcast this season: Duncan is in the lineup for his bat.  End of story.  And you know what?  So far I’d have to agree with keeping him around.  But that doesn’t make it hurt my brain any less to watch him botch routine play after routine play out there in LF.  He makes Manny Ramirez look like Willie fucking Mays.  La Russa is actually developing a new situational position player a la the “closer” for Duncan called the “clo – don’t blow our fucking lead by dropping a pop-up with 2-outs and a man on 2nd – ser”.

Other notes:

- When did Yadi “the body” Molina become the greatest opposite field contact hitter since Ted Williams?

- As much as I hate him for the way he looks and the way he, uh, has a stupid name, Khalil Greene has been great defensively and shown signs of being a productive hitter.

- I realize that Ankiel has an ego as fragile as Samuel L. Jackson in that craptastic piece of drivel by M. Night Shamalamadingdong, but for the love of God somebody please tell La Russa that it’s OK to sit him against left-handed pitching.

- Jason LaRue = best mullet/’stache combo in the Majors?

- This may sound stupid, but I’m glad that Colby Rasmus is not having a tremendous start.  Right now he’s playing good enough to keep around, but not good enough to trip over his own ego.  He’s in that perfect “learning” zone and should be a hell of a ballplayer by 2010.  He could use a haircut, though.  Punk.

- Joe Thurston?  Who?  Been in the Majors for 8 years and only played in about 85 games total in his career?  OBP of .424 with 4 doubles?  Sure, why the hell not.

- I admit it.  I’m a big Skip Schumaker fan.

LB

Spring drought

Blame it on the nice weather.  Blame it on March Madness and baseball.  Blame it on work.  Blame it on the recession.  Hell, even blame it on Facebook.  But lately my creative juices have been running dry.  My brain is still functioning, I just can’t be bothered to put pen to paper, so to speak.  Too many thoughts, too little time.  Now I know why Twitter is so damn popular.

LB will be hopping again soon enough.  Shooting for 1+1, that being 1 rant or review and 1 mindless comedic link per week.  Next up: why the Cardinals will win the NL this year.  Stay tuned.

LB music review

Jason Isbell And The 400 Unit – Jason Isbell And The 400 Unit (2009)

When the ex Drive-By Trucker released Sirens Of The Ditch in 2007, I was seriously disappointed.  Admittedly, I had unfairly high expectations considering it was Isbell’s first solo effort since leaving DBT.  But considering this was the man that penned the eternally brilliant “Decoration Day,” “Danko/Manuel,” “God Damn Lonely Love,” “Never Gonna Change,” and “Outfit” (and others), Sirens just seemed like a half-hearted bore.  Not so with his new (self titled) release.  Isbell’s songwriting and soulful, southern voice shines through brilliantly throughout most of the disc.  He still hasn’t quite rediscovered the near-perfection he had with DBT, but he is certainly on the right track and maturing nicely.  And at only 30 years of age, we’ll hopefully be seeing a lot more from him in the next decade.

-

Mark Olson & Gary Louris – Ready For The Flood (2009)

Yawn.  I liked this group better when it was called Simon & Garfunkel (and way better when it was called the Jayhawks).  I think it’s time to retire, gentlemen.

-

Country Devils – A Shotgun Named Lucy (2009)

This album is one of those random “New Releases” that I find on Napster from time to time.  The only difference being that this random album happens to be the best goddamn collection of country songs I’ve heard since Uncle Tupelo disbanded.  On their website, the Country Devils proclaim to be the “world’s laziest band,” and it must be true because it’s the only way they’d still be unknown.  My advice to the band: call Osi Umenyiora and get some 5-hour Energy because gentlemen, your spotlight awaits.

-

Neko Case – Middle Cyclone (2009)

Oh Neko… how I just want you to live in my bedroom and sing me to sleep at night with your fanciful songs.  You’re so darn lovable that I can’t really find it in my cold bitter heart to critique your music – not in the traditional sense, anyway.  So let’s just be honest with ourselves and admit that Fox Confessor Brings The Flood was your crowning acheivement.  As such, while I can’t rate Middle Cyclone on the Martz(_TM) scale, I can rate it on a scale of zero to five Fox Confessors (whatever the hell that means).  Unfortunately, Middle Cyclone is no Fox Confessor.  I’m giving it 3/5 Fox Confessors even though that bit about Killer Whales eating my legs treads dangerously close to 2/5 range.  But I will give you props for “next time you say ‘forever’ I will punch you in your face.”  In any event, you’re getting too goddamn whimsical for your own good, missy.  Pull it back a notch and get back to your country roots before you start bouncing around the room and yelling “snark!” for fun.  And seriously – a 32 minute ambient cricket jam session?  Really?

A disappointing Daily Show-down

Last night on The Daily Show, Jon Stewart “interviewed” Jim Cramer, host of CNBC’s Mad Money.  For days, Stewart had been antagonizing CNBC for exaggerated advertising and providing misleading/misrepresented information about the stock market and other investment strategies.  Naturally, Stewart relied on cleverly spliced clips from several of CNBC’s shows to really drive the point home.  Some of those featured Mad Money – a rather ridiculous circus of a show designed to get that “up at 3:00am coke-head” market – and when Cramer got wind, he apparently took issue (although I’d say he was more flattered than anything).

The following ensued:

external link to a 3-part video
http://blog.indecisionforever.com/2009/03/13/jon-stewart-and-jim-cramer-the-extended-daily-show-interview/

Let’s just get this out of the way – Cramer came off like a total douche caught in douche lights, but considering he was walking into a gunfight with a dull knife and an obviously guilty conscience, it was to be expected.  Stewart, conversely, held all the cards.  Yet his approach, dialogue, and tactics – all of which he had total premeditated control over – were misguided and unimpressive.  Stewart basically spent his time doing two things (each discussed in turn): (1) bashing the network(s); and (2) bashing Cramer.

(1) Network accountability

Here is a list of various issues Stewart has with the way CNBC operates in the financial news sector:
(a) Aggressive advertising ["We have the experts you need..." / "In Cramer we trust..." / etc.]
(b) Producing shows with titles and “attitudes” that are explicitly/implicitly designed to give viewers feelings of confidence and security [Fast Money / Mad Money / On The Money / etc.].
(c) Reporting on information provided by presumably reliable sources without much back-checking
(d) Focusing on the entertainment aspect more than focusing on the nitty-gritty details of current ongoings (making conclusory suggestions; not explaining things fully in academic terms)
(e) Providing information that is risky at best, and may ultimately be incorrect

Before proceeding, it should be noted that ideologically, Stewart and myself do not share much in common other than the desire for “common sense” to make its way back into politics.  Stewart, being the raging liberal that he is who has a tendency to lean left, is obviously going to be more, shall we say “protective” of idiots people.

(a) Advertising is advertising; it is what it is.  It’s filthy, deceptive, and designed to mindfuck peons.  But guess what?  It’s 99% unregulated (1% for “indecency,” whatever that means) and the 1st Amendment deems it so.  Deal with it, lemmings.
(b) As opposed to what?  Slow, Steady Money, Be Nice With Money, and Sort Of Near The Money But Not Necessarily Right On It Per Se?  This might be funny as a comedy sketch, but it holds no real argument.  Moving on.
(c) As Cramer repeatedly tried to point out, CNBC reporters make a concerted effort to get viable information, when possible, straight from the horse’s mouth.  Why?  Because when an executive goes on record about the financial status of his institution, he is bound by law to be honest.  Let me repeat that sentiment: if a corporate executive of a traded company publicly lies about its finances, he is breaking the law.  See Securities Protection Investor Act.  I can’t think of any other news sector where informants are held to a duty of candor by Federal law, can you?  Am I suggesting that reporters like Cramer couldn’t be more thorough in the analysis and presentation of such information?  Of course not.  But let’s try to refocus some of that vengeful frustration on the real culprits here, who, by the way, Cramer himself is now (shamelessly) seeking indictments for.
(d) Have you ever sat down with a group of television executives?  All they care about (ironically) is money (i.e. ratings).  More importantly, have you ever sat down to watch an educational NOVA-esque nightly show about current market trends.  No?  No shit; of course you haven’t.  If you would, there would be plenty on the air, but you don’t, so this is the shit you get.  Thankfully, they air it after American Idol ends so you don’t have to make such tough decisions for yourself.
(e) You don’t say.  Look, if your mental red flag doesn’t pop up during a television show that is prefaced with a goddamn disclaimer, then you should be sterilized by the State.  Oh, that and it’s the fucking stock market,  dumbshits.

Mad Money disclaimer (caution: retard spoiler)

All opinions expressed by Jim Cramer on this website and on the show are solely Cramer’s opinions and do not reflect the opinions of CNBC… You should not treat any opinion expressed by Cramer as a specific inducement to make a particular investment or follow a particular strategy, but only as an expression of his opinion. Cramer’s opinions are based upon information he considers reliable, but neither CNBC nor its affiliates and/or subsidiaries warrant its completeness or accuracy, and it should not be relied upon as such. Cramer’s statements and opinions are subject to change without notice.

Past performance is not indicative of future results. Neither Cramer nor CNBC guarantees any specific outcome or profit. You should be aware of the real risk of loss in following any strategy or investment discussed on this website or on the show. Strategies or investments discussed may fluctuate in price or value. Investors may get back less than invested. Investments or strategies mentioned on this website or on the show may not be suitable for you. This material does not take into account your particular investment objectives, financial situation or needs and is not intended as recommendations appropriate for you. You must make an independent decision regarding investments or strategies mentioned on this website or on the show. Before acting on information on this website or on the show, you should consider whether it is suitable for your particular circumstances and strongly consider seeking advice from your own financial or investment adviser.

Does this clear things up for you Jon?  As you so astutely pointed out by unintentionally quoting The Big Lebowski, “this isn’t a fucking game [Walter].”  So perhaps you should read this aloud to your 75 year old mother instead of trying to guilt trip some doofus network puppet on your variety news show.

(2) Attacking Jim Cramer

I do not have much to say about this other than (a) Cramer is not the brightest or quickest bulb on the porch, (b) he clearly has a tremendous amount of guilt (rightly or wrongly) built up over this issue that prevented him from being assertive (either that or he’s just a big pussy), and (c) it was horribly tacky to continuously revert back to a previously unpublished video tape of a casual conversation that was never intended for television.

Of course, the purpose of repeatedly bashing Cramer was not to make it personal – oh no, not at all – it was to show that, as a hedge fund executive, he had intimate knowledge of sketchy Wall Street activity that he should have known would eventually cause the stock market to crumble to the ground; thus, how dare he provide investment suggestions based on nothing more than an entire decade of growth and wealth when clearly the end was neigh?  And when things started to look bleak but Cramer stuck to his guns on the basis of years of strong personal relationships with firm execs and the (alleged) lies they told, how dare he present his resulting opinion to his audience? But that wasn’t personal at all.  In fact, it was so impersonal that when Cramer made a half-hearted attempt to refer to his own actions, Stewart quickly intervened by gallantly stating that “this isn’t about you.”  Huh? Bad form, Mr. Stewart.  Bad form indeed.

[EDIT] I’ve since learned that these clips were taken from a previously published 6+ minute interview Cramer gave for TheStreet.com in 2006.  Apple was the subject because this interview came a couple weeks before MacWorld 2007, and Apple stock prices were the soup de jour.  While this does take away some of the sympathy I gave Cramer, it does not in any way lessen the argument presented here – that Stewart was clearly attacking and trying to villainize Cramer on a personal level – nor does it any more successfully impart some phantom duty of care on Cramer as an entertainer as Stewart would have you believe. [END EDIT]

Watchmen review

Any movie that pushes 3 hrs and contains enough subtle references to fill a book probably deserves a second watch before being subjected to critical review.  But after spending $16 (ticket), $5 (parking) and an hour in line with high school children, I simply can’t handle the thought of an encore.  Forgive me if memory doesn’t serve. I should also point out that I only recently read the book for the first time back in February.  But while I may not have the geek stature to preach about this story like a disgruntled 40 year old overweight Comic Con veteran, if nothing else I have objectivity.

The oversimplified review: Most of the first 90 minutes is both polished and brilliant; the remainder is a sloppy, awkward mess.

Things I liked:

Dr. Manhattan, although possessing anything but a “godly” voice, was pretty fucking awesome.  Yay for 21st Century special effects!

Rorschach.  Jackie Earle Haley (who?) did a fantastic job with possibly the most complicated character ever on caught film.  The only drawback to this otherwise superb performance was shitty editing (discussed later).

Malin Akerman naked.

Getting rid of the interdimensional squid.  And having the balls to blatantly reference it in the detonation sequence.

The opening credits / historical montage.  Stroke of genius and very well played.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan also did a great job with The Comedian.  Another complex character handled with relative ease by an (apparently) underrated actor.

The unapologetic violence.

Saving the “tangentially related at best unless you are a huge douche that reads way too far into things” pirate substory for another day.

Things that sucked:

Zach Snyder’s *cough* “trademark” *cough* fight mechanics.  There are three reasons for this.  First, it induces headaches.  Second, it is borderline cheesy.  Third, it has no place whatsoever in this film.  This is not The Matrix.  Speaking of which…

The stunning aptitude with which these aging, retired non-superheroes kicked ass.  At their peak, I doubt they made taking out a group of thugs look so easy.  Shit, I’ve seen Batman have more problems with Gotham’s punks than the flabby old Nite Owl.

The gross overuse of cheesedick 80’s music.  Seriously, whoever cued the porn music when Rorschach left Dreiberg’s hideout needs to be fired.

Malin Akerman acting talking.

No psychiatrist mindfucking.  The Rorschach in jail chapter might be the best of the whole book.  Really shouldn’t fuck with it.

For being the world’s most successful man, Adrian Veidt can’t enunciate to save his fucking life. Jesus, pull the dick out of your mouth when you talk.  And he’s way too young.  He would have to be at least 45 by now.

Richard Nixon.  Worst ever.

The gratuitous violence.  Don’t know the difference between unapologetic and gratuituous?
unapologetic = Rorschach going mental with a butcher knife
gratuitous = Laurie Jupiter breaking and stabbing necks, Lee Iaccoca getting shot between the eyes (wtf?)

No city gone mad = no understanding of the social experiment.  No diner, no lesbian taxi drivers, no news stand guy, and fucking hell how do you cut out the murder of Nite Owl I?  Travesty.

Changing the ending in an effort to spare the world from the silliest crackpot scheme ever devised, only to bumble around mindlessly like a teenager on a bra strap.  Did any thought whatsoever go into reworking the story?  Did the studio even hire “writers,” or did Zach Snyder just try splice shit together at the last minute to save some cash?  Nobody expected the movie to be as good as the book in any way, shape, or form.  But when presented with the golden opportunity to modify the indisputable achille’s heel of the story, this is how you jerkoffs respond?  I think more time went into shaping Dr. Manhattan’s penis than pulling the last hour together in a coherent, engaging sequence of events.  I will, however, give props for axing those ridiculous snow scooters (I won’t, however, give props for the all-time worst estimation of distance one must hike through snow to get to the evil lair.  That shit crash landed… what – 20 yards from the base?  Ooooooh, better bundle up Rorschach!).

_________

Rating: A great book + an admirable attempt at filming a difficult, fragmented story => unfortunately could not overcome the sloppiness of the final hour and some of the subtle, yet important nuances of the story left on the cutting room floor.  See it, but you’re safe waiting for the Blu-ray disc.  Head to the library if you want the full effect.